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作業焦慮時,不妨調一下“頻道”

發布時間:2019-05-23 作者:丁丁 來源:中國教育報

很多天使寶寶,一進入作業年齡就變成小妖精。而一向堅守母慈子孝的家長,陪起作業來雖然每每提醒自己全程都要保持鎮定,但往往不久就怒火中燒慈愛全無,孩子痛哭流涕、家長血壓升高,等孩子哭著睡去,家長又悔恨不已。如此反復,周而復始。

這讓我想起常給孩子們講的一個故事:路上會遇到一片樹林,穿過樹林會見到一潭湖水,過了橋能看到一面鏡子,往鏡子前一站就能看到一座魔鬼的城堡,而一旦出現了魔鬼的城堡,就別想轉身離開了。

我問孩子們:“如果你不想走進魔鬼的城堡,該怎么辦?”答:“不照鏡子。”“怎么才能不照鏡子?”“不過橋。”“怎么才能不過橋?”“不要穿過這片樹林。”

的確,過橋之前有很多機會躲過魔鬼的城堡,可以在任何一個地點轉身而退。但是離城堡越近,我們越難控制自己的行為。這個過程,很像家長陪寫作業的過程,一旦進入心煩意亂狀態,便很難全身而退。為什么?在斯坦福大學羅伯特·斯波爾斯基教授的生物課上,我找到了答案。

人類和自然界其他生物的身體都有個應急機制,一旦面臨被攻擊的生命危險,比如被一只獅子盯上,為了活命,必須做出“逃跑”或“對抗”的選擇,一旦決定,身體各個系統就要協力配合,迅速增加糖皮質激素的分泌,將身體里儲存的脂肪、蛋白質等迅速轉化為四肢肌肉發力所需要的能量,同時提高脈搏和血壓,將這些能量快速輸送到四肢。這個應急過程相當耗費能量,與逃跑或對抗相關的身體部位獲得大量能量的同時,與逃命并沒有直接關系的消化系統、生殖系統、細胞自我修復功能等器官和功能會被暫時關閉,也包括理性思維和自制能力,畢竟活命要緊,誰會在生死關頭跟獅子講哲學呢?

這項應急能力與生俱來,當我們憤怒和絕望時,身體就會出現血壓升高、心跳加快、糖皮質激素增加、消化系統暫時停止工作等反應,難怪俗話常說“氣得吃不下飯”,也難怪高血壓病人在情急之下會突發中風。

陪寫作業的焦慮,與被老板訓斥、排隊被人插隊、辛苦準備的晚餐被嫌棄時產生的生化反應一樣。其實,讓人焦慮的并不一定是家庭作業,而是我們日積月累的焦慮在陪寫作業時被誘發出來了而已。

目前家庭作業的確存在負擔過重、重復枯燥等問題。但如果現有的家庭作業不可避免,家長該如何做才能避免心力交瘁呢?

了解自己的情緒狀態規律,提前預判和應對。家長不妨回想一下陪寫作業的經歷,找到每次從保持鎮定發展成戰火紛飛的共同規律。比如,孩子出現什么行為或狀態時,我們會感到怒火中燒;孩子出現什么行為或狀態時,我們會感到難以忍受;孩子出現什么行為或狀態時,我們會怒發沖冠。同時梳理一下,在憤怒不斷上升的過程中,我們的內心臺詞(“怎么這么簡單都不會?”“學習這么差,以后怎么得了?”)和身體表現(心跳加快、臉頰發燒、呼吸急促等)是怎樣隨之發展的。

這樣有意識地關注自己的內心活動和情緒變化,就可以及時提醒自己改變和孩子的說話方式,深吸一口氣平復自己的情緒。在我的親身經歷中,“中場休息”是一個不錯的方法,當我感覺自己或孩子快要進入“樹林”時,我會離開房間休息一下,也讓孩子稍微休息一下,調一下“頻道”,等到大人孩子的心情都恢復到正常水平以后再繼續。“中場休息”可能只是去廚房里喝一口水,或者拿一張白紙隨便涂鴉幾下。短短幾分鐘暫停,可以避免局面向不可控制的地步發展。

爭取其他家庭成員的支持。羅伯特·斯波爾斯基教授研究非洲草原時觀察到,一個猴群因為吃了游客留下的食物而引發集體食物中毒,那些平常作威作福的猴子都孤獨地死去,而原來常被欺負的猴子在病中不斷地相互理毛、相互擁抱,最終渡過了難關。中毒危機使這個猴群的文化從等級森嚴轉變成了相互關心與支持的文化,以大欺小、以強凌弱的典型猴群行為特征不再成為主流。

教育孩子不是父母某一方的責任,需要家庭成員的相互配合。當一方因作業問題而焦慮時,另一方可以適時提醒“中場休息”,用一個擁抱、一杯熱茶或幾句認可提供相互支持。在父母的相互配合和認可成為生活習慣的家庭里,焦慮也許不可避免,但焦慮的程度會輕很多。

理解并寬容孩子的焦慮。在四面封閉的書房里,當孩子面對吼聲震天、面紅耳赤的父母時,就像被樹枝纏住無法脫身的小羊面對兩只餓獅,內心翻江倒海的情況可想而知。“你知不知道哪里做錯了?”“你以后打算怎么辦?”等怒吼,解決的僅僅是父母一時的情緒釋放,對孩子的作業沒有絲毫幫助。

有時候孩子做作業不專心,可能是因為作業太難、身體太累、害怕做錯,絕非故意想惹父母生氣。如果不把孩子的壓力疏導開來,就算命令他們將某個詞抄寫100遍也毫無益處。當大人孩子都心態良好、身心放松時,家庭作業就不是引發焦慮的導火索了。

(作者系童書作家,著有《我不要巧克力味兒的蘋果——劍橋媽媽的有機養育手記》)

《中國教育報》2019年05月23日第9版 

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