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什么樣的孩子都不是來報恩的

發布時間:2019-05-16 作者:殷飛 來源:中國教育報

“學習不好的孩子是來報恩的”,這句某校長安慰成績不良學生家長的話,一下子觸及家長內心最柔軟的地方,讓“落后生”父母焦慮的心感到一絲安慰與釋然。學霸志在四方,遠渡重洋,父母晚景凄涼;“學渣”學業一般,繞膝承歡,父母感到慶幸。一對比,酸葡萄心理比出了一種別樣的效果。

在中國人心目中,孩子有兩個功能,要么如《孝經》所云,“立身行道,揚名于后世,以顯父母,孝之終也”,讓父母感到光榮,有“面子”;要么如這位校長所言,能夠帶著父母喝著小酒、唱著歌,享受人生,這是“里子”。

無論是光宗耀祖的“面子”還是小棉襖式的“里子”,都反映了兒童不獨立的家庭文化,反映了父母中心主義的家庭教育價值取向。從出生到成長,兒童都不被看作獨立的權利主體。如不少父母生孩子是為了穩定夫妻感情,甚至用孩子來拴住另一方的心;二孩政策放開后,有些父母為了在雙方家族取得姓氏平衡而生育。孩子成長過程中,用自己的視野和資源來規訓孩子人生道路的父母更是常見。

對這些親子關系中孩子人格不獨立的現象,人們早已習以為常,甚至混淆了孩子心智不成熟、能力不完善與人格獨立的關系。孩子的不成熟主要體現在心智水平和能力上,需要成人的保護、教育與訓練,而人格獨立是每個孩子個體生命的獨特性。孩子不屬于任何人,是有著獨特生命價值的人,不是為了誰才來到這個世界的。

只有把孩子當成有獨立人格的人,才有獨立的教育,才能把孩子培養成各具特色的人,最終讓每個孩子發揮潛能、成為獨立的社會人,成就自己,造福社會,而不是成為父母的“面子”或“里子”。

這一點,對秉持忠孝親子關系傳統的國人來說,理解與接受起來都很難。鼓勵父母認可孩子的獨立人格,不是要孩子與家庭情感割裂,而是鼓勵父母將孩子作為獨立的生命個體,育兒過程中別摻雜或者少摻雜自己的“私貨”,卸下孩子的情感與道德包袱,讓他們輕裝上陣,實現發現自我、服務社會的人生價值。

站在公共教育立場的校長與教師抱有類似觀念,更為不妥。學校的責任是用專業眼光發現每個孩子的優勢潛能,引領父母接納孩子個性化的學習風格,鼓勵孩子走自己的人生道路,而不是讓家長抱著欣喜和感恩接受一個學業失敗的孩子。

(作者單位:南京師范大學教育科學學院)

《中國教育報》2019年05月16日第10版 

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