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誰是我家“懂事長”

發布時間:2019-05-16 作者:徐彩萍 來源:中國教育報

養育兩個女兒的過程中,常常隨手記錄孩子成長的點滴。先生說我在記錄小孩子慢慢地懂事、慢慢地長,于是“家有懂事長”就成了我5年來育兒筆記的主題。有時我也會停下來想,究竟誰是我家的“懂事長”呢?

有天一早打開門,大風從正門吹進來,昨晚二寶小貝在桌上玩兒的小紙片頓時隨風飄散一地。我刷完牙正要去掃,卻看見小貝拿著一個小小的塑料口袋,蹲在客廳的地板上撿著小紙片。“媽媽不要掃了,我來帶紙片回家。”“小紙片的家?小紙片的家在哪兒呢?”“在我手里呀,這個小袋子就是它們的家。袋子里面吹不到風,它們就不會被風吹走了。回不到家,小紙片會哭的……”

瞬間,我就被小紙片簡易的家感動了。

“不被風吹,不會找不到家”,大人用許多語言都解釋不清楚“家”的概念,對小貝來說就那么簡單。這個早晨的瞬間,孩子用自己的方式演繹她心中“家”的含義、表達她對家的愛。我慶幸沒有錯過這個細節。

我家大寶和二寶相差15歲。姐姐大學畢業剛開始實習時,可能遇到了困難,也可能犯了一些錯誤,有時回家帶著些小情緒,臉色不好,嘴里咕囔……盡管我能感覺到她心里有事,但我不問。我認為不管孩子遇到什么難題都需要自己去接受和承擔,想問的時候她自然會張嘴問。

過了一兩天,她情緒有些好轉,終于開口問了:“媽媽,一個人走上社會必須經歷的是什么?”“是犯錯。”“為什么?”“因為進入一個陌生的未知領域,總歸會有些探索,也一定會遇到從來沒有經過的事,誰都沒有把握一定不出錯。”

“哦,媽媽,你犯過錯嗎?”“媽媽犯過不少錯,不過都不太記得了……”“為什么?”“剛開始工作,犯了錯心里也不舒服。后來我就把犯錯當成一個養正的契機、成長的機會,總琢磨能從犯錯中得到什么收獲,避免再次犯錯的秘訣是啥,這次犯的錯怎么糾正,以后怎么做更好……犯錯后有很多需要做的事,就來不及難過了。慢慢地,犯的錯就越來越少了……”

無論孩子還是成人都會犯錯,犯錯可能很難為情,也可能很棘手,或許還是一個小小的危機。既然犯錯是常態,就不妨用最積極的狀態讓犯錯變為成長的契機。如此一來,改錯越多,懂事成長的契機就越多。

反思孩子們“懂事長”的點點滴滴,忽然發現我也在“懂事長”。

小貝上幼兒園小班時,周末我帶倆孩子出去踏青。誰知,只是因為我拉著誰的手這點兒小事,大的不讓小的,小的不讓大的,我心里也不舒服,還發了火,結果沒走多遠我們仨便垂頭喪氣地回家了。

回到家我獨自在書房發呆,越想心里越委屈:我努力把愛平均分給你們,你們還要這樣爭媽媽的關注,老這樣摩擦,問題出在哪兒?我想了好幾天,直到偶然看到兩個算式,我才明白了自己應該改變的方向。

我原來是堅持“愛的平均分”1/2=0.5,總想對兩個孩子不偏不倚,攜左顧右,唯恐閃失,又緊張又容易出錯。后來我變成“愛的階乘”1×2=2!有兩個孩子,媽媽就應該有兩份深沉的愛,把每個孩子都當成自己唯一的孩子。當我思考到這個層面,真誠地發自內心去愛孩子的時候,我逐漸可以淡定地觀察孩子,及時捕捉孩子的需要,及時給予關心和呵護。

兩孩家庭,父母對每個孩子都應該是滿滿的愛,而不是平均分的愛。自從我有了對這兩個算式的認識,再帶兩個孩子就很少擔心她倆吵架,即使遇到狀況也能淡定引導。我把我的感覺告訴先生,先生很認可用心愛她們中的每一個,他自己也有“突擊”教育效果卻不理想的體驗。先生后來改變狀態后,才懂得這個道理,他說自己也是“懂事長”。

孩子的奶奶從小貝還沒有出生就看著電視教程學習小兒推拿,老人學新知,豈不也是“懂事長”?看來,孩子、父母、長輩……家中的每個人都在育兒過程中經歷著一件件事,享受著“懂事長”的一個個幸福時刻。

(作者單位:張家港市家庭教育中心)

《中國教育報》2019年05月16日第9版 

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