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改變家庭編碼 化解父母傷害

發布時間:2019-05-09 作者:王占郡 來源:中國教育報

兒子從父親幾百雙襪子里挑了一雙,卻被父親發瘋似的罵了兩三個小時,這是為什么?三代母親都在女兒三四歲時離婚,第四代又走到了離婚的邊緣,是因為祖墳沒有埋好嗎?孩子無法選擇父母,他的人生會重蹈覆轍嗎?如何走出不幸、完成自我救贖?

關于原生家庭的影響和傷害,人們表達出越來越深的憂慮,仿佛父母的不良養育方式就是造成孩子成長阻礙的直接原因。實際上,父母的不良養育方式是形式而不是本質,是結果而不是原因,孩子與其抱怨父母,不如努力改變家庭文化編碼,完成自我救贖。

    過去的經歷和環境塑造了個體的選擇機制。在某種程度上,任何人都是生物基因和文化基因共同驅動下的個體。生物基因來源于父母,而文化基因則來自父母雙方家族祖先的文化傳承和周圍社會環境的總和。

伴隨著成長過程中的習慣培養和理念形成,每個人都在逐漸塑造各自的文化基因編碼,這些編碼(也稱模式)會長期自動控制著個體的行為和選擇,成為外在選擇的內驅力,讓人在擇業、擇友、擇偶等方面的選擇似乎無章可循又處處機緣巧合——貌似主動實則被動,貌似偶然實則必然。

比如說,造成婚姻關系破裂的原因,是父母一方或雙方成長過程或環境塑造的文化基因編碼出了問題,離異和創傷幾乎是父母雙方“編碼”驅動的必然表現形式和發展結果。

這就不難理解,為什么有的人婚姻失敗之后再次組成家庭往往還會重蹈覆轍。好在重蹈覆轍不是唯一的出路,通過自我反思或心理治療,再婚就可能脫離原有的婚姻模式——因為“編碼”改變了,自我成長了。父母一旦發生改變,自身的婚姻模式及對待孩子的方式就會變得不一樣。

可見,造成傷害的是父母的文化基因編碼,而非離婚本身。盲目認定父母離異是孩子成長的問題,這本身就是一個問題——既沒有看到父母的成長經歷和成長環境這個本質因素,又給單親孩子貼上了一個“有問題”的標簽。老問題沒有解決,反而帶來了新麻煩。

    了解父母經歷,理解父母行為。家庭是一個系統,父母和孩子任何一方的成長,都可以讓整個系統斗轉星移,產生改變。現在大家都很關注父母如何改變,我想強調的是,孩子對待自己的不幸也有主動權,與其抱怨父母,不如自我救贖。這個過程甚至完全可以不依賴父母的改變,僅靠孩子自身就可以完成。自我救贖的第一步,就是了解家族故事和父母的生活經歷。

美國心理學家巴里·格羅斯科普夫博士上中學時,有一天參加學校的活動缺少一雙合適的襪子,于是他從父親的幾百雙襪子里挑了一雙穿上。不料回家后,父親大發雷霆,發瘋似的罵了他兩三個小時。父親有幾百雙襪子,他就借用了一雙,父親怎么就會忍無可忍了呢?就在幾天前,他擅自開了父親的新車還撞壞了,父親也沒有這么大的反應。他無法理解,感覺受到了傷害,從而疏遠了父親。

多年后,他通過一些家族故事了解到父親的一段經歷。來美國紐約之前,他們家生活在歐洲的難民營里,那年冬天饑寒交迫,為了換點兒吃的,父親賣掉了自己的鞋襪,光腳過冬,因此有著和常人不同的襪子情結。對兒子借穿襪子的激烈反應,是父親當年的創傷所致。格式塔心理治療有一句話——到達才會離開。當格羅斯科普夫回到過去,體會父親經歷此事的“那時、那處、那人”時,他理解了父親當年的遭遇和后來的行為,對父親的怨恨頓時化解,還對父親產生了悲憫和敬意。

后來,格羅斯科普夫幫助很多受到父母傷害的人,通過這種“回到過去”的方式達到了理解父母、諒解父母的目的。

    諒解父母的傷害,完成自我救贖。孩子如果不能從父母行為的傷害和影響中走出來,身心成長就會停滯或扭曲,其模式(文化基因編碼)就和父母的模式緊密糾纏在一起——有的不自主地重復父母過往的模式,有的帶著心理創傷走向自己的生活,把畸形的家庭關系一代又一代地傳承下去。

個體無法獨立于家族系統而獨善其身,當孩子理解甚至諒解父母“傷害”自己的行為,看清影響父母模式的機制,就可能獲得心理上的解放。這不僅有助于走出父母傷害的陰影,也有助于在自己的人生中不走父母的老路。

我參加一個家庭治療工作坊時,有個女同學的媽媽、外婆、外婆的媽媽都在自己女兒三四歲時與丈夫離婚,這個女同學和丈夫也走到了離婚的邊緣,女兒也剛好三歲多。這個魔咒,到她這里似乎要重復四代了,她們家一直叨念說“祖墳沒有埋好”。

通過咨詢發現,原來外婆的媽媽在當初丈夫有了新歡要離婚的時候,帶著女兒跪下懇請丈夫留下,未果,于是帶著女兒切斷了和丈夫的所有聯系,并一直向女兒傳遞“男人靠不住、婚姻是墳墓”的思想。女兒長大后不信任男人、不想結婚,即使后來由于現實原因結婚了,也時刻擔心男人出軌,動輒跟蹤盤問,最終把丈夫逼到另尋寄托的境地。這種模式就這樣代代傳了下來。

在老師的幫助下,這個同學看清前面幾代人的模式,不久就從所謂家族的“詛咒”中解脫了出來。她看到“男人靠不住、婚姻是墳墓”并非事實,而是家族創傷所致,于是重新對自己原有看待男人和婚姻的觀念進行了“編碼”,對待丈夫和孩子的言行進而發生了變化,原本瀕臨破碎的家庭得以保全。

通過諒解父母的傷害,她不僅完成了自我救贖,讓傳承三代的模式戛然而止,也獲得了重新追尋自己生活的自由。

(作者系北京中親聯教育研究院院長)

《中國教育報》2019年05月09日第9版 

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